you kissed her
and luckily i didn't see
but boy if i had
that wouldn'tve been good
and all the people saying it was so cute
you were so cute
they were so cute
when your new girlfriend
wouldn't even say hi to me
though i tried to be nice
and your new friends
didn't even realize who i was

i didn't want to dominate
not at all
i just wanted to exist
but i guess i have my own world now
and you yours
and i guess its not fair for me to hold things to you now
and i know its not
but really
all i wanted was a hug

if she makes him a fucking cake
i swear to god i'll have no choice but to slap her

available

“I’m available,” he says.
He’s perfect. With his tousled brown hair, his deep green eyes. Why can’t he be mine?
“Okay so we’ll meet tomorrow?”
His lips are moving. I’m mesmerized. I shudder back into reality,
“Yeah, sure-i-i’ll be there.” I answer.
He’s available–not to swoop me away as my prince charming, but to be tutored in math by me tomorrow.
I sigh.
It’s a start.

vines

Red vines on the seat barrier between us as we watch the movie on the screen. I slowly pick one up. Twizzle it around my finger. Chew a bit, in what i hope to be a slightly seductive or at least cute manner. I’m not into the movie at all don’t care about the Mila Kunis-esque girl on the screen all I really care about is you, and your breathing right next to me. I peek out the corner of my eye and edge my hand slowly over the barrier, the red vine flavor still sweetening my mouth, blurring my judgement. But I do this only to find you’ve grabbed my fingers quickly, hungry.
You turn to me a twinkle in your eye.
“Sorry.”

dashboard

her feet are on the dashboard
her lacquered toes
red nails
pale skin
how beautiful
i’d never think that i could find a body part so enthralling
but i do

these dashboard feet must have grown
from the days when her
parents loving placed them in booties
to the days where she shoved them
in high heels
out for a night on the town
i never really understood that expression.

she wiggles her toes
the sun coming through the window
the wind blowing her sandy
hair over her sunglasses
that she told me she wears
’cause she thinks they make her look fierce
she catches me staring
and laughs

irreverent

irreverent
laughing by the pool
in our bikinis
yours fits you better
than mine
fits me
yours is snug tight
mine awkward i’m still all arms and legs
but it hardly matters
as we laugh at the lifeguard
calling seriously to all the other kids
to not jump
in the pool
they always
listen
except today we suppose
they’ve gone on a bit of a
bad
streak

i see my name in your inbox
and my heart skips a beat
when i remember i'm a part of your life
im not on the outside looking in
(this is real
i'm your friend)

we watch movies
all of us in a dark basement
and i enjoy it until
i see that the girl next to you
has casually placed
her leg on yours
i push it off with my eyes
(she doesn't even know you)
you just sit still but i still can't
help it my mind scrunches
up with unjustified jealousy

(when i smile
i try to catch your eye
when i laugh
i want you to catch mine)

you catch me
but not enough or not
what i think to be nearly enough
or maybe not
nearly what i want to be enough

i want to remember
all this forever
but i'm too lazy to write
it down

(i want you to be mine
but i'm too scared
to make a sound)

today
i went to go find you
and when i did
i realized the reason for your
stolen words

and that reason was not me
it was her and she
and i jumped back a little in my mind
and gasped
oh.

(for the rest of the night
i tried to avoid you
courtesy told me to avoid you
intelligence begged me to ignore you
but try as i might
my boredom yearned
to
interrupt)

Distress

i am a damsel in distress
rescue me
come on
prince in charming
i’m waiting
at the bodega around the corner
but where are you?
smoking a cigarette in the park
sweating in the night with your arm around another
girl
your tongue down her throat
fingers in her hair,
walking alongside me
but not seeing me
even though you’re looking me in the eye
you're not seeing my pain
the damsel in distress
the girl
crying help me
because i’m a mess

please comment
any input is greatly appreciated

release

I.

and then I become acutely aware

of all the places my skin is meeting yours

and I know there’s a patch of

tan right above my knee cap

that your elbow is slightly

touching

barely touching

it tingles

and I don’t want you to pull away

even though we are

sticky

in this hot crowded room

I drown my thoughts

worries of

if you are even thinking about

this

in my own revelations

in my own sharp senses

ii.

brush back my hair

roll down my shorts

you shoot a downward glance

and I cant

tell if you’re checking

out my

legs

but I doubt it

I know this is all in my head

though other people

“ship” us what they don’t really

know is that

I would go for you but I’m

quite sure

you

wouldn’t go

for me

ii and a half.

or would you?

III.

we are sitting so close

and I love it

it's exhilarating me

and sometimes

I wonder what would happen

if I just closed the gap

and kissed you

truthfully I imagine you’d scream

I don’t even know if I want to kiss you

I think I do though

when I feel your leg and its fuzzy

I’m not even disgusted as I sometimes am

with other boys

IIII.

when the person reading says something

we both look at each other at the same

time

and I think how I love this

this game we play

how we turn and our eyes catch

we do it often

this is what makes me feel close to you

what makes me wonder if we could really

be

IIIII.

the couple next to us

is nestled together

and though their public

spooning is a little disconcerting

especially so close they

look so at peace

I can barely help not to judge them

but I know the boy he runs

track with me he’s nice and his girlfriend

seems to think

so too

they close their eyes and they are so

serene his arms around her waist

I look back over at you

and I think

I want you to put

your arms

around my

waist

IIIIII.

my skin is coffee colored

yours more white

but I don’t mind

IIIIIII.

you keep giving me looks and sometimes

I show that I’ve caught you and smile

sadly back

I don’t know why im sad

maybe because I know

we won't be
(oh no, its not like that)

but oh how I hope I wish that someday

it could be
and when people cornered
me
i could tell them yes
yes
its true
yes
yes
its true

IIIIIII.

i know i shouldn't get my hopes up

IIIIIIII.

but your knee is touching mine

and you’ve angled yourself to lean against your backpack

which is leaning

against me

and I think what if you actually wanted this

touching as much as I did

what if you longed

for it too

and only pulled away

because you were worried of what

i

would think

(I hope and scoff

at my insecure dreams)

IIIIIIIII.

I imagine what would happen if you’d move the backpack

that separated us

and lean your hard strong back

straight against my knees

maybe play with a strand of my hair

I almost burst into laughter

it is funny

silly

for me to imagine us like that

IIIIIIIIII.

after the lecture is done we smile

that was good

we clap and laugh

and I’m so pleased

when you comment on my sneakers say how

you’ve noticed the brand name is dragon

and

I pretend that

I didn’t know that

hadn’t marveled in that

when the shoes first

came

hadn’t liked the edge of the word and the gold

lettering. i

play dumb

and make you point it

out reach your fingers run them

over the lettering

but

you still smile

laugh

as you gesture to the word

playing along
and I twist my foot

loving it all the while

because

this means you have been watching me

as I have been watching you

maybe not in the same way

but still

watching

IIIIIIIIIII.

sigh

I wish we could be together

though the idea of us as a couple scares

me when I think of awkward

paus

es

but then I remember how we’ve walked alone before

how you always talk

too much

but I like it

because your opinions and thoughts

on people are funny

you’re funny
and I listen
laughing
at my good fortune

and the fact that you chose this lecture

was just an added surprise another opportunity

to talk and my friend has

sidled up to me after we’ve all left and says

you and him were so cute

and I blush-smile

IIIIIIIIIIIII.

im not sure if more people say it

that I can hide how

much I like you

anymore

IIIIIIIIIIIIII.

it makes me sad to think i am writing this

when you may never

have never thought about me this way

and I know that someone i trust once told me

they thought you had

but I didn’t believe them

(maybe because I idealize you,
and selfconsciousize me)
because

if I really missed a chance like

that

I would punch myself a thousand times

and I know all the other guys 

(which are not very many)

I would give them not a second look

if I had a chance with you

IIIIIIIIIIIIIII.

I’m scared

because now people are noticing and when I ask where your friends are

safely leaving out your name

it does not even get past them

my evasion is too stark

they say

are you looking for xxxxxx

xxxxxx

xxxxxx

how dangerous it is to write your name

IIIIIIIIIIIIII.

how lovely and dangerous