release

I.

and then I become acutely aware

of all the places my skin is meeting yours

and I know there’s a patch of

tan right above my knee cap

that your elbow is slightly

touching

barely touching

it tingles

and I don’t want you to pull away

even though we are

sticky

in this hot crowded room

I drown my thoughts

worries of

if you are even thinking about

this

in my own revelations

in my own sharp senses

ii.

brush back my hair

roll down my shorts

you shoot a downward glance

and I cant

tell if you’re checking

out my

legs

but I doubt it

I know this is all in my head

though other people

“ship” us what they don’t really

know is that

I would go for you but I’m

quite sure

you

wouldn’t go

for me

ii and a half.

or would you?

III.

we are sitting so close

and I love it

it's exhilarating me

and sometimes

I wonder what would happen

if I just closed the gap

and kissed you

truthfully I imagine you’d scream

I don’t even know if I want to kiss you

I think I do though

when I feel your leg and its fuzzy

I’m not even disgusted as I sometimes am

with other boys

IIII.

when the person reading says something

we both look at each other at the same

time

and I think how I love this

this game we play

how we turn and our eyes catch

we do it often

this is what makes me feel close to you

what makes me wonder if we could really

be

IIIII.

the couple next to us

is nestled together

and though their public

spooning is a little disconcerting

especially so close they

look so at peace

I can barely help not to judge them

but I know the boy he runs

track with me he’s nice and his girlfriend

seems to think

so too

they close their eyes and they are so

serene his arms around her waist

I look back over at you

and I think

I want you to put

your arms

around my

waist

IIIIII.

my skin is coffee colored

yours more white

but I don’t mind

IIIIIII.

you keep giving me looks and sometimes

I show that I’ve caught you and smile

sadly back

I don’t know why im sad

maybe because I know

we won't be
(oh no, its not like that)

but oh how I hope I wish that someday

it could be
and when people cornered
me
i could tell them yes
yes
its true
yes
yes
its true

IIIIIII.

i know i shouldn't get my hopes up

IIIIIIII.

but your knee is touching mine

and you’ve angled yourself to lean against your backpack

which is leaning

against me

and I think what if you actually wanted this

touching as much as I did

what if you longed

for it too

and only pulled away

because you were worried of what

i

would think

(I hope and scoff

at my insecure dreams)

IIIIIIIII.

I imagine what would happen if you’d move the backpack

that separated us

and lean your hard strong back

straight against my knees

maybe play with a strand of my hair

I almost burst into laughter

it is funny

silly

for me to imagine us like that

IIIIIIIIII.

after the lecture is done we smile

that was good

we clap and laugh

and I’m so pleased

when you comment on my sneakers say how

you’ve noticed the brand name is dragon

and

I pretend that

I didn’t know that

hadn’t marveled in that

when the shoes first

came

hadn’t liked the edge of the word and the gold

lettering. i

play dumb

and make you point it

out reach your fingers run them

over the lettering

but

you still smile

laugh

as you gesture to the word

playing along
and I twist my foot

loving it all the while

because

this means you have been watching me

as I have been watching you

maybe not in the same way

but still

watching

IIIIIIIIIII.

sigh

I wish we could be together

though the idea of us as a couple scares

me when I think of awkward

paus

es

but then I remember how we’ve walked alone before

how you always talk

too much

but I like it

because your opinions and thoughts

on people are funny

you’re funny
and I listen
laughing
at my good fortune

and the fact that you chose this lecture

was just an added surprise another opportunity

to talk and my friend has

sidled up to me after we’ve all left and says

you and him were so cute

and I blush-smile

IIIIIIIIIIIII.

im not sure if more people say it

that I can hide how

much I like you

anymore

IIIIIIIIIIIIII.

it makes me sad to think i am writing this

when you may never

have never thought about me this way

and I know that someone i trust once told me

they thought you had

but I didn’t believe them

(maybe because I idealize you,
and selfconsciousize me)
because

if I really missed a chance like

that

I would punch myself a thousand times

and I know all the other guys 

(which are not very many)

I would give them not a second look

if I had a chance with you

IIIIIIIIIIIIIII.

I’m scared

because now people are noticing and when I ask where your friends are

safely leaving out your name

it does not even get past them

my evasion is too stark

they say

are you looking for xxxxxx

xxxxxx

xxxxxx

how dangerous it is to write your name

IIIIIIIIIIIIII.

how lovely and dangerous